The Mating of Movies and Video Games; a Dumpster Baby in the Making

It is not uncommon these days to hear about a wonderful movie in the works based on one of our favorite video game franchises. Replace the word “wonderful” with “terrible” and it should land you in the realm of precision missile accuracy. When did movie bigwigs and supposed marketing know-it-alls start thinking that movies based on video games or vice versa was a good idea?

This form of “entertainment” is nothing new starting with Street Fighter back in 1994, the film that simultaneously popularized the idea and killed Raul Julia at the same time. Over the past few years we have been increasingly subjected to the whims of these madmen directors, who are in more dire need of being sexed up by a gorilla than receiving anymore script approvals.

Take for instance the infamous Uwe Boll, director of such marvelous gems like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and Bloodrayne. Films which have graced our televisions and movie theatres and left us wondering one thing; in God’s name why? These films and many others like them have the staying power of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in a female depression clinic but no one is taking the hint.

Here I sit on April 5, 2008 and I just found out about a Halo and a Gears of War film in the works but these games have about as much film potential and plot intricacy as World of Warcraft Nerds Gone Wild. I also found out about a Max Payne flick which I was moderately interested in since the series had an amazing story until I learned Mark Wahlberg and Chris O’Donnell have leading roles and I died a little inside.

Now I’m not saying that all game to movie adaptations are bad, there were a few breaths of fresh air in the endless choking fog of terrible films. The first Mortal Kombat film was possibly the best, I use that term loosely of course, and perhaps Advent Children comes second. After that your chances of finding another movie of the same quality are slim.

I have no urge or desire to see any of my favorite games wind up on the big screen. I don’t think Half Life, Metal Gear Solid, or Bioshock will be awe-inspiring films worthy of any praise unlike the games they were based on. There is far too much lost in the translation to justify creation of films like this; the fan base is usually alienated since the plot doesn’t stay true to the source material, the story we are given appears to have been retrieved from the director’s cesspool, and what we’re left with is a doorway into the mind of someone who is slightly less intelligent than a rock. The door swings both ways these days though and some higher-ups in all their wisdom have decided to make movies the butch in this relationship and video games their … well you get the point.

Like their distant cousins, games based on films generally don’t work either. Again, there are a few notable exceptions like Escape from Butcher Bay and Star Wars: Republic Commando but the rest follow your typical downward spiral of crappiness. When I’m not gouging my eyes out after playing a healthful dose of a Braveheart strategy game similar to the Total War series, I’m trying my best to purposefully miss that key web on the skyscraper so Peter Parker plummets to his death.

To quote Secret of Mana, “Time flows like a river, and history repeats itself.” I wish directors and game developers alike learned this little truism and stopped creating this garbage.